Hire Me, Please

When I say that I want to be a writer... what does that really mean?  I want to write books and sell them and live that book-signing, interviewing, analyzing kind of life?  No thanks.  I just want to write.  Not to make money, but to make art.  To find things that I'm searching for.  To uncover the hidden truths and discover "The Way."  Writing is my practice that leads me to all other things.

When I write, I am searching for meaning, for connections.  For things that a part of me feels and knows that they exist, but can't quite fit the words together for explaining them.  I write and I pull up images and feelings and thoughts and I put sticky notes on them, one by one, trying to identify and bring forth the creation.  What color is that feeling?  How deep does it go?

I do enjoy writing.  But it is work.  Just like digging a trench.  You gotta get to it and stick at it for a while before you see any progress.  It's a process that you have to develop, so you don't dig crookedly or throw out your back.  You have to be kinda systematic about it.  You have to do it, and keep doing it, even though you don't want to or you feel like you're not doing it "right."  So go left, go center.  Just keep going.  The meaning is something that happens in hindsight anyway.  The creation is in the moment.

Every swing of the hammer brings it down, slamming into the purpose.  Your focus has to be in the moment, on the nail.  You must hit the nail on the head.

I have conflicting objectives right now.  I need to do the work and find the way to find work again.  I need to pay my bills.  But I also need to stay true to myslef, to not undervalue myself.  To make use of my time and manage my money.  I need a job that will pay me more than minumum wage.  I need something that will allow me some flexibility because of my illness.  I need to find my way in this world.  I need to find what it means to be a writer and still be able to live my life, feed myself, keep my house.  I need to find my routine that maximizes my strengths.  I need a job to find me.  I need income to find me.

My efforts so far haven't uncovered any opportunities.  There are jobs out there, I just know it.  But finding my way into them hasn't proved easy.  I wish I could just put a "For Hire" sign in my yard and have a bevy of offers.  I hate having to market myself.  I hate marketing, period.

And that may be part of my problem.

I have skills, I'm capable.  I think I could make a good employee.  But I don't have the keys to that vehicle, just yet.  I'm having trouble finding my way in the door.

So if you know of anything...  advice welcomed.