Friday, June 24, 2011

Let There Be Light

May the words come to the forefront and be understood. May I write like the wind, and not that of the broken. May we all be better at the end of this exercise.

I want to be a writer. This I envision to mean that I will wake up each day with things to say and will sit down and write them all out, as if I were taking dictation.

But that ain't how it works. Writing is hard work-- you've gotta push and pull and force those words around, and sometimes you're moving furniture around a carpeted room and it makes you sweat. But you can do it. You just gotta try.

I've been lacking in try lately. Lacking in gumption. I opt to sleep, not to engage. But I'm trying now. Right now, I've got the try. So onward and forward we go. Fret not, get engaged.

But I'm already married. Oh well. Maybe a renewal of vows is in order.

I trudge on, looking for the path that leads me to enlightenment. Can't focus too hard on the path, or you'll never make the trip. So onward and forward. Move it!

I am a writer. I have written. I want to write more. So. I am a writer. Just because I'm not published doesn't mean I haven't succeeded. There's plenty of great writing that goes undiscovered. And that's ok. I don't need to market myself or my writing. That's not what's most important to me. What is most important is what I write, what I say. What I mean. The meaning of all this.

I want to find the story that connects all my dots and creates a book around my experience in Greece. Not the whole experience, but the part that haunts me to this day. I want to share what I went through with the hopes that somebody else can read it and be helped somehow. Even just one person. So that the message gets passed on, and I pay it forward. So I can share what I learned the hard way and help others so they don't have to go through the difficulty that I did.

The truth is that I'm still struggling to this day with my bipolar disorder. But I don't let it define me. It is a label that I am sure to be judged by, but I can't control any of that. Still, I take it a day at a time, trying to make my way the best that I can. This is all I can do. And it's what I'm meant to do. My path is my own to be walked by me alone.

So that's what I do. I keep trying, keep writing, keep dreaming the big dreams. And sometimes those dreams feel big enough to be the real thing, and I want to climb up into them and live the big picture.

There is euphoria in knowing what you think is the truth.

I'm advised by advisors to be careful of grandiose thinking. But such is the most compelling thought. I believe there are answers out there. I believe in a way. I have hope and belief that there is a way to make sense of it "all." Maybe this is my problem.

But I don't think so. I believe that there is a logic to this life. A grand scheme. The big picture. And it gloriously exists, despite all efforts to deny and thwart it.

What do you think? Is there an order for things big and tall, short and small?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.