Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Fwd:Fwd:fwd....Ad Infinitim: Have You Seen This One?

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!

No, I hadn't seen this one. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Those damn illegals. If we could just ship all of them out of OUR country, that WE built, that WE pay for with OUR hard earned money, things would be so much better. I mean, just think-- corporations would suddenly get all warm and fuzzy and be perfectly happy paying fair wages to all their employees, because there wouldn't be any of those stupid, dirty, stinky illegals being all stupid and stinky. Did you know that they eat a lot of BEANS?!!? I mean, can you imagine? Corporations would finally find it "cool" to invest their record profits into all the things that WE want-- Super-Charged Sherman Tanks, complete with DVD players and X-boxes for the kids, armed with "Traffic Buster" missiles and On-Star Tactical Support Equipment (When you absolutely HAVE to get to STARBUCKS for your double-dip-half-caf-non-fat-no-whip-caramel-macchiato... "ON A STICK!" ). Yes-- and they would operate on a mixture of breastmilk and whale semen. I can see it now, can't you? No more standing in line at the grocery store, no more people bagging your groceries, no more cashiers, no more people to stock the shelves at night while us NORMAL HARD WORKING BUT NONETHELESS FAT ASS AMERICANS are sleeping.

Yes, I imagine Native Americans would be good with getting their land back. But I'm guessing they're not holding their breath.

By the way, while we're sharing... As I read through "Exhibit A" (undoubtedly the product of someone's dissertation research) I was reminded of some of the "pretzel logic" I occasionally (but not nearly occasionally enough) have directed at me at work. A few things to share with your intellectual peers-- Niblets of Wisdom, if you will-- on the grand Liberal Socialist Commie Conspiracy Scam that is "Global Climate Change": I'm not sure if my co-worker came up with this himself or if he just happened to be channeling the omnipresent spirit of Sean Hannity at the time (how am I supposed to tell the difference?), but he said, "I think I read somewhere [always cite your source] that you could fit the entire population of the world, shoulder to shoulder, heel to toe, within a space roughly the size of Broward County, FL. [!!!] Have you seen [name omitted to protect the naive, deluded, ignorant, insane, or otherwise misinformed]'s computer desktop, with a satellite map of the world at night? [I must admit, I'm still unclear on exactly when this "night all over the world" occurs. Maybe my ignorance, maybe a composite image, whatever. Maybe it's the de-evolution of Reason, the answer to The Enlightenment-- a return to the Dark Ages, literally. Grain of salt...] Take a look at it-- almost all the lights that show up, signifying population and civilization are bunched together, mostly along the coasts of the populated continents. Most of the land is dark-- no people! So, there's no way that humanity could be causing Global Warming-- there aren't enough of us to make that big of a difference!!"
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have used quotations, because I'm leaning heavily on my recollection of the... um... conversation (?), and I'm forced to paraphrase, and so it should not be judged as a direct quote. I may have utilized vocabulary words at my disposal in the interest of relaying my understanding (as well as my recollection, not to mention my commie-pinko socialist inattention to detail at the time) of what was being said, and so in interest of full disclosure, I cannot verify that some of the words used in this "re-creation" would have been uttered (nay, comprehended) by the individual stating the above, uh... theory. But I have at least made the attempt to facilitate the translation with integrity, representing the unadulterated intent of the argument to the best of my ability. And still, it would seem to me that the gaping chasm traversed by this amazing, acrobatically adept leap of logic is, roughly, big enough to drive a truck through, given that the truck is roughly a size large enough to fit the entire world's population, laying side-by-side doing "snow angels"-- without touching-- AND an Actual Size map that measures the distance between the two polar-worldviews of the individuals involved in the above, um, shall we say, "exchange".

The same individual is distinctly recalled to have said in further justification of his argument, and this time I most assuredly quote: "You know why Greenland is named Greenland? Because it used to be GREEN!" A statement which cannot be debated, I would concur, albeit for assumedly different conclusions than its orator would perhaps purport.

Well. That was fun. Think I'll copy & paste this to my blog and await further instructions from the communist socialist Marxism Mothership.

Until w'e-mail again, ...