So I've been trying to play the game, make myself more marketable, do the right things and become more successful. But it hasn't worked, at least not yet. I've gotten my work out there, looked at by fresh eyes and unknown entities. And still I make no wage for what I do here. I write without pay.
Well, it's back to basics, folks. I'm back to writing for writing's sake, not for the sake of establishing myself as a successful writer. That will have to come of it's own volition. I'm not gonna chase it. I'm writing because I feel that I have to in order to live my life the right way. The way that is right for me.
I will write to achieve my goals, my writing goals, not some self-help guru's plan. I have it in me to do what I want to do, to do what I need to do.
Maybe I'll never know a time when I am paid for my writing on a regular basis, a living wage if you will. Maybe my efforts to market my book are silly or sophomoric. Whatever. Onward.
I've reached 19,000 words towards my memoir of the bipolar odyssey that my life has traversed. I will continue to scratch that itch. Keep chewing my cud. Climbing the stairs. Writing it down.
Sure, it would be nice to have a friend out there. A mentor. Someone to bounce things off of. But folks are too busy with their own memoirs, I guess. When I'm in a sharing, talking sort of mood, there isn't anyone around to talk to. Or so it has seemed to go.
And then there's all the distractions when I finally do get down to writing. Phones. Doorbells. Garbage trucks. Plenty of well-intentioned people and things just knocking me off track. And I get so frustrated when I don't get back on track readily and under my own power. I have such an undefined track anyway. What is it like to be on track? What are my right answers, my go to routines? How can I structure my life so that my life is more of what I want and need and less of this wishing and scratching for more or for less or just all-out struggling? Is it okay just to relax and enjoy the ride? To let someone else do the driving?
I am a writer. I have already succeeded at "becoming" a writer. I'm even a published writer. Now I want to tell another story. I've got about 44 pages-- almost one page for every year I've been "here"-- and there's more story to be told. And I will write it. I just have to get back to what my task is. It's not to create a platform so that my book will be sold, in multiple venues. My task is the story. I am a writer, and I will tell my story, and get it right by me. That is how I define my success. To tell the story like I know I can. And to get it all down in writing. Like I know I can. And like I know I will. This is my task. This is my calling.
All that other shit is out of my control anyway. So thanks, but I'm not looking to sell books. I'm looking to write them. I'm a writer, not a salesman.