Tell Me Where It Hurts

So I continue to stabilize.  I'm not having the suicidal ideation anymore.  I'm back at work, sleeping well, spending time with friends.  Laughing.  I realize that I did the right thing, and that feels good.  I'm at peace with myself.  I'm not searching for my voice or my calling.  I just am my calling.  I just am my voice.

Feels damn good, if I can say so myself, and apparently I most certainly can.  So what else can I say?

I wish that I didn't have to pay for an overnight stay in the hospital and an ambulance ride that was less than a city block's distance from one Kaiser facility to another.  But it's the price of doin' business here in America.  And I have healthcare coverage.  A person without my experience and coverage might be looking at a several thousand dollar invoice after an overnight stay for the same affliction.  And that's wrong.  Because mental illness doesn't care if you're affluent, or poor, or middle class.  It's doesn't favor women over men, or one race over another.  It attacks like cancer, without the lesions or visible symptoms. 

I went to work today, but work wasn't ready for us.  The work ran out, and they couldn't come up with a way for us to have more work to do, so they sent us home at our lunch/dinner break.  Half a day's pay for half a day's work.  I gave one of my coworkers a ride home, as she lives in Santa Clara too.  As we talked on the ride home, I shared with her how I had been through a crisis last week (we were already sharing personal stuff so I thought it appropriate.)  I told her that I had been hospitalized because I was suicidal.  I described what that had felt like for me-- that I had felt hopeless, and that I just wanted it all to go away.

"I feel like that all the time," she shared.  She explained her situation, and how tough it is sometimes to get through what life throws at you.  It was a good, cleansing, and nurturing talk that we had.

I wonder if more people have that feeling, and struggle with suicidal thoughts and plans and other hurtful things.  Are there really so many of us suffering out there?  I'm sure I'd be surprised by the numbers.  And the numbers are probably lower than what is happening in reality, because people, at least in this country, don't talk about such things as suicide and mental illness.  We don't ask for help.  We don't admit that we are broken, or hurt, or vulnerable.  We don't want to show any weakness.  We tough it out, with our "rugged individualism" that only goes so far.  You just can't think your way out of a broken mind.  It doesn't work.  And there's a lot more mental illness in this country than people are willing to admit and acknowledge.

I'm reminded of the documentary film "I Am," by Tom Shadyac, and his personal journey to arrive at a healthier place.  Recommended for viewing, I think it's out on DVD now.

That's what is known as a product placement.  And since I blew up my AdSense, it's one of the few ways for me to benefit something on this here blog.

So I think I've given you enough to think about for now.  Talk to you later.  Thanks for reading.

Folk Singer Phil Ochs Had Bipolar Disorder

Watch this great documentary.  I highly recommend it.  Here's the trailer.

Imagine All the Writing

"...without imagination of change you can't have change.  It's the imagination that comes first." -- Gloria Steinem

So they suspended my AdSense account because of "invalid clicks" or something.  Basically, they are on to me and my friends and they don't like us because we're parasites.  And they like the advertisers better because they're paid to do so.

So no more ads on my blog.  The experiment is over.  I will not make any money from my blogging.  At least not this way that seemed so easy and possible for a little bit.

So now what?

Now the real shit starts.

Back to writing for writing's sake.  Back to getting it all down on the paper because it has to come out, not because it has to satiate and entice readers.  Back to the content being what I am not what I wish I could be.  Or not what I wish I could be-- more like trying to be something I'm not to make people like me.

Genuine draft.  That's what this is.  Find the ingenuity.  Genius is in you.  Let it out.

The Gloria Steinem quote above is from a movie I watched last night, "One Bright Shining Moment," a documentary chronicling the George McGovern candidacy for president.  I enjoyed it.  Maybe you would too.  You can stream it on Netflix like I did.  It's haunting to retrace those steps in our history, but inspiring too. 

Another quote, this time from Albert Einstein: "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."  That is festooned to the wall above the "blackboard" in the room where my NAMI Peer to Peer course is being held every Wednesday afternoon.  Two weeks in and so far so good.  There are some neat people in class, and every week there are snacks.  How great is that?  Free information and they feed you, too.

So I guess we'll see what happens.  Still gonna do Journal Jar 'til it's empty, aiming to have it done by end of the year.  So I hope you have fun reading along, trying on this life with me.