Thursday, July 29, 2010

Now What?

So I finally did it.

Today, I quit my job. I was struggling with it this morning, and I just couldn't see my way around it. I don't understand it, I can't explain it. But it felt right to type up my resignation and take it in to my supervisor.

He was in with his supervisor when I found him. I presented him with the letter, and after he read it, he suggested that I shut the door to the office that we were in. He handed the letter to his boss and she read it. And then we talked for a bit, about the same stuff, all the avenues I've tried and been helped by but none have corrected the problem. The problem is bigger than me, bigger than the City, bigger than my illness. Bigger than all that.

The problem is me.

So I got out from under the rock I've been stuck at, next to the hard place I'm well accustomed to, and I got on top of reality for a bit. I see what I need to fix. And it's me. And the rest of all that-- the job that stresses, demands, polarizes, and irritates; my bipolar disorder that scrambles, tars, slows and degrades my self confidence and my very thinking; the world that churns out lipstick and toilet paper and chewing gum and romance novels but can't get food to the starving... I can't fix any of it unless I fix myself.

So I'm going under the knife.

Time to get fixed.

No, no. Well. Maybe. I don't know. Truth is, I need to see my medical doctor and get checked out. It's time that I have an examination to make sure that I don't have early onset prostate cancer, like my father did. But I also need to get real about my weight, my diet, my exercising. Because I'm not getting any younger.

Or richer.

There's got to be a way, here. I'm taking a leap of faith. Tama Kieves, author of "This Time I Dance," responded to my comment on her post on Facebook earlier today, and it was positive. And that's how it feels. It's exhilarating, really. Not in a sunshine, smiley face, singin' in the rain sort of happy-- I'm grieving the loss of many things because of my decision to quit-- but in a confidence building, get back to basics, first steps on the right path sort of way. Spiritually. With wisdom.

I don't know what else to say. There is hope that I will write more. Hope that I will find a way to do the things that I enjoy and make a living doing it. But I don't know.

The security blanket is gone.

This time, I want to dance.


Farlar said...

I quit a job that was slowly sucking the life out of me and was unemployed for 6 months. That was one of the best decisions I ever made. My house was cleaner, I read a ton, I spent more time with friends, I cooked, I planted lots of tomatoes...I had so much less stress and I was so much happier and content. Sadly, I did not magically become independently wealthy during that time so I did eventually have to find a job. I miss having the time to do what makes me happiest, but I compromised on my return to work life and now only work 4 days a week. It helps a LOT.

I hope that not having a job sucking the life out of you frees your creativity and that you can use your time to make art and cook dinner and walk the dog and write fascinating things for your blog fans to read.

Gerri said...

Things usually happen for the best...hang in there!