Peace Is Good Food

Another April blog entry.  Deal with it.

I'm writing tonight because it's what I do.  What I do well.  What I am trying to do with my life.  You wanna help?  Keep reading. 

Thanks.

So.  Um.  And also tell some friends about my blog.  Spread the word.  Let's get this thing started here.

I'm doing well, thank you.  I started a new job and had a really good night there tonight.  Love sitting in my shorts, listening to my favorite music, doing a simple task and doing it well.  And enjoying it.  It was like I hit a jackpot tonight and saw everything through the happy lens. 

I was tagging pictures.  Pictures of a lot of what people might consider as "nothing" or "ugly" or something like that.  But I was noticing how I was getting to see, through these pictures, a part of the world that I had never seen.  There were brilliant cloud formations, sunsets, trees, interesting mailboxes even.  There was so much beauty to behold.  My eye was trained-- I had to keep reminding myself not to dwell on things and move on to the next task.  But it was almost like watching a movie or a music video, with my iPod providing the audio track.  I drowned out the chatter of my coworkers and focused on the task and had fun doing it.

The big boss must have noticed, because she came out and checked on me, then offered me a new chair.  Thought that was nice.  The one I had been using had a broken arm support, and the new one has a nice springy aspirator that bounces when I sit down.  Felt nice to have something nice done for me.

I really felt tonight that I was where I need to be.  I was comfortable, at peace.  I wasn't lamenting being where I was.  I was present in the moment, and it felt wonderful.  May we all feel such joy in the moment.

It's warm in here tonight, I'm sweating just sitting here writing.  I'm having my Smirnoff "tall-boy" of sorts, and life is good.  I'm making progress on my dreams.  I can feel it.  I'm healthy, and I know it now.  I have my faculties back.  I feel like I can handle things again.  I trust myself and my judgement.  Things are good.

Looking forward to May.  My birthday's right around the corner.  What are you gonna get me?  I love presents.

What do I want?  I want... I want you to buy my book when it comes out.  Wanna help me get it published?  We could try and work something out...  put in your pre-order of the Raging, Flaming Goat of Samos now, and I'll send it to you when it's ready.  Should be about ten bucks a book, I reckon.  Sure, you can send me cash, if you're so inclined.  Or a check.  Whatever.

At the end of next month, I'll be attending my Grinnell reunion in Grinnell, IA.  Really looking forward to seeing folks again.  I love me some Grinnellians.  Most of 'em.  Haven't met them all.

So.  Good night.  It was and it is.  So goodnight, I say.  Good night.

The Start of Mania, part II

It's 1am and I've just gotten out of bed and taken a shower.  The shower was kind of a religious experience.  Cleansing of the soul, I took inventory.  It's not normal.

Not the shower, not the being up at one o'clock in the morning.  But then, what is the normal for me?  I've been going to bed around 9:30 to 10:00pm and sleeping through the night, with just a few pit stops, and getting up about 8am or so.  The last couple days I've been on edge because my mood is quite elevated.  I'm starting to see some warning signs.  Saturday night, I was having trouble sleeping, so I ended up taking a sleeping pill.  That helped my mind to finally relax and I slept for a while-- several hours-- and got up with my wife in the morning.  Now tonight, I slept for about three hours and woke up (got worked up) completely and couldn't get relaxed for sleep again.  This isn't mania, but it's a warning sign.

My wife had the good idea to start a blog or spreadsheet of this pattern, or deviation from the pattern.  Just so we can keep track of all that's going on.  I'm having grand ideas of going out into the world today and making things happen.  That's not to say that I'm having grandiose thinking.  That would be another sign that mania is coming.

I'm up early, but I'm under control.  My thinking is logical and relaxed, not racing.  I do have a lot on my mind, but it's not at breakneck speed or relentless.  There's a grace to it.  A serenity.  I'm on the right path, I sense.

So much about managing this disorder is being in touch with your feelings and emotions, being mindful.  Being mindful is a soulful, spiritual practice.  It allows you to be who you are meant to be.

So I know that I'm making my wife nervous with this behavior.  Hell, I'm making myself nervous.  But I am checking-in with myself and I feel calm, collected.  Under control.  I'm not spiraling or groping for great truths.  I'm just living.

I really enjoyed Angels in America (we finished watching it this weekend).  It's "haunting" my mind, its dialogue replaying on loops.  There are lessons there, as there are in many things.  Most things.  When the conditions in your heart are just right, anything can be a learning opportunity.

So This Is Christmas

Me got the bahum bug.  Bluesy, funky cock-eyed shit.  I don't wanna have a blue Christmas, but that's how it seems to be shaping up.  Don't know why.  Not sure there's a reason.  Definitely not a single answer.  It's complicated.  Such is life.

I don't want anything for Christmas.  I don't want new socks or underwear.  I don't want a warm pair of pajamas.  I don't want the latest video game or blue-ray movies.  I don't want a place to play canasta.  I don't even want pizza.  Now you know it's serious, right?

I want a great new Christmas song, to rival the classics.  To become a classic in it's own right.  I want people to embrace each other.  Find our common ground.  Give til it hurts.  Soothe the pain.  Abandon hate.  Find a cure for hatred, cancer, AIDS, ignorance.  Santa needs to get his shit together this year and make some things happen.  This Christmas has got to make a difference. 

Find a home for every orphan that wants one.  And make it a good home.  Find homes for the homeless that want them, that need them.  Feed the hungry.  Visit the lonely.  Cure the sick.  Sing to the frightened. 

I'm wanting something different this year.  I don't want the Hallmark specials with fake people and fake premises making fake happiness and fake promises.  I want hands outreached and real connections.  I want an end to the violence.  Goodbye to hate.  I want acceptance.  I want dreams.  I want solace.  I want peace.

There's got to be a morning after, as the song goes.  There's got to be a way.  We can do this.  We can make the earth that we dream about.  We have the power, and the resources.  Let's celebrate life and make it happen.  What are we waiting for?

Goals Work to Make Dreams Reality

I'm setting a goal to finish the Journal Jar prompts that I have by the end of this year.  Not gonna count how many are in there, just gonna go for it.  Wish me luck.

First towards this end:

What are your goals and dreams?

Well, didn't I just talk about that?  Eerie, no?

I have dreams of getting published as a writer, or being "discovered" for what I've already been doing and landing some sort of deal where I just keep doing what comes natural for me and I get taken care of...  Y'know, sometimes called "pipe dreams", evidently because you're sucking on some sort of pipe while you're thinking about them?  Something like that.  I dream of working with my community to find solutions to our common problems.  I see opportunities to make things happen, but I think about it too much instead of acting on it.  I want to perfect things before I act.  This is a problem for me.

But I find ways around it.  And I keep going.  Forward, onward, march.  Other months too. 

I dream a lot about "figuring it all out" and making sense of every little thing I can think of.  This is a fantastic feeling when I can do it, but I can never seem to transfer it to my waking mind and conscious life.  The beauty of course is that I do experience it, and that it exists, if only in my subconscious.  But it does happen, it does exist.  It is real and I feel it totally, and it is invigorating.  Inspiring.  Intoxicating.

I dream of solving the problems of the world somehow, by dreaming solutions and applying them.  I feel that I can fabricate thought patterns that will manipulate and shape the space-time continuum.  No, really.  My thoughts (and yours too, for that matter) are powerful forces of nature that go unmeasured most of the time.  But I'm giving birth to the universe with every thought I have.  Every thought is a Big Bang.  And I am so much more than just my thoughts.  This is really big stuff.

I just turned my hat around backwards so the "bill" is pointed out over my neck and back.  This could signify a change in direction or thought, but we'll just have to see about that.  Won't we.  I'm noticing that it has changed my vision-- more light is shining into my eyes now.  I don't have a protective shadow at my forehead any longer.  What else shall this bring?

I dream of peace.  I really think it's possible, in the moment.  We can do it.  We just have to want it above all else.  We must love our way.  I dream of love for all.  May you have love.  May you not go lonely.  I love you.  I will at least try.

Gotta go and call my mom now.  Peace and love be with you.