Basic Title No. 1

Looking back over the past couple months, things have been kind of tumultuous.  I started a new job, working swing shift hours, disrupting my schedule of sleep and non-working activities.  But I still managed to blog a decent amount of time, and got some quality writing done.

I was also disrupted by a trip to Grinnell.  It was fun to see friends again, but I partied a bit too hard one of the nights.  I hadn't been drinking for about three weeks prior to falling off the wagon at the reunion.  I think that has had a lasting psychological effect (negatively) on me.  I was feeling very good about myself prior to the trip, ramping up to the scheduled time off.  My attendance at work was good, I was in a bit of a rhythm in going and getting through the days/nights whatever they are.

Now I'm in a bit of a rut.  Once we got back from Grinnell, I went back to work the first night, and haven't been back since.  I've been doing other things-- making arrangements, phone calls, emails, budgeting, work on my book project-- but I'm struggling with continuing with the job.  I need to do something different.

I'm sitting here right now, in need of a shower, in need of a haircut, in need of a shave.  I'm in a low mood, but I still have energy, so I'm not really depressed.  I want to do things like write, garden, fix my house, arrange outside furniture, weed control, landscaping projects, sprinkler installations and adjustments.  I want to draw, learn Audacity software, transfer cassette tapes to digital audio.  I want to organize my garage, fix my desktop computer, organize my office space.  I want to plant a garden, organize my tool shed.  I want to live an inspired life.

I made an appointment to speak with an old friend at my former employer.  He's in HR there, and can tell me about the possibilities of getting back with the City.  I don't know that I can swing it, but I have to try and find out if it's an option for me.  I feel like at least the income potential is better than what I've got going currently.

I want to read.

I want to entertain.

I want to have a big party.

Maybe we can have a big ol moving party, sell all our stuff, including the house.  Do like an artist would, where he/she gets rid of everything he/she "owns" and release, starting fresh.  There was a guy who put all his possessions into a huge shredder a few years back... was it early 2000's?  I remember seeing it in the newspaper...  Another guy destroyed all the art that he had created up to that point in his life-- burned it.  What's his name... the guy who puts the dots over people's faces in pictures...

There's something liberating about that.  Letting go of everything, little things that you've carried with you for so long that you don't remember where you got it-- or things that you hold so dear for whatever reason, something from your childhood that you take great comfort in retaining.  Say goodbye to it all, release the energy, the built up potential of your longing ego.  Let it go.  Shed your skin.  And you are born anew.

What Price Your Train of Thought?

I don't know how to say this.

I want to work again, but I'm having trouble with the existing system.

It sucks that I only get paid ten bucks an hour to do editing and stuff.  That I can't just wake up in the morning and go to my desk and do something and make ten bucks an hour.  But no, I've gotta go sit in their office for eight hours, while they time me and rent me and make me "productive" as they want it defined.

I don't like the rules.  I don't like the system.  I should get more for doing what it is that I want to do.

I'm not asking for a million dollars.  I'm asking for enough to get by.  And that's more than ten bucks an hour, doing something I would rather not do.

If I made twice that amount, it would be better.  Maybe even okay.  Then we could breathe, economically.  Financially.  If I could collect the money from my retirement fund, the ten bucks an hour would be okay, because we'd be covering our debts.  But it's not adding up right now.

We're sinking into greater debt, there's more going out than coming in, and there's no end in sight.  No turnaround foreseen.  How do we turn this thing around?  How can I take my many talents and make a living again?

I feel like I've got to put myself out there, right out in front.  Go live, so to speak, and just have everyone stare at my big ass hairy problems as they are.  A big ol' plate of honesty.  How much is that worth?

I hate that I feel guilty for feeling sick like I am.  As if feeling sick isn't enough, I need a "real" problem as well.  If I could just snap out of it I would have done it years ago.  But that's not happening.  If you can actually develop a methodology and practice for the "snap out of it" therapy that works, you'd have yourself a winning product in the marketplace.  I don't think it's been invented as of yet.

But mental illness exists, and it exists with a grand stigma.  People don't talk about having mental illness, even if they do, because they don't want to be judged as "crazy" or "weak" or whatever.  You can't be president of the United States if you're mentally ill.  Well, evidently, anyway.  That's what our insane "vetting" process says, and yet we have a whole congress full of nutcases.

I don't know what else I want to say, except that we have real problems that need real solutions, and to get at those real solutions we need to be real honest with ourselves. 

If I'm going to do anything for forty hours a week, I need to benefit from it.  I need more than 400 bucks and a "thank you."  Especially when it costs me a hundred bucks for gas and wear and tear on my vehicle. 

This is not a plea for winning the lottery, or handouts, or even sympathy.  I'm entitled to peace of mind, and for that I'm willing to work.  But I don't want to paint myself into a corner.  And especially not at ten bucks an hour.

I want to get fair value for the work I've been doing.  I'm making progress, I do believe.  I'm writing much more frequently these days, and I'm approaching a consensus, or a vision.  A clarity, perhaps?  I don't know, but I'm moving along the path toward greater understanding and wisdom, I do feel that.  And I'm creating something here with this blog.  I will continue to work at it, and allow it to define itself.  It will evolve as I evolve.

And the acorn does bloom into a grand canopy of tree greatness.  In time, and at its own pace.

What Will Be Next?

As November draws to a close, I am left to wonder what the coming month and new year will bring.  I wonder where I will set my sights, on what projects I will work.

There is still the Journal Jar to complete, hopefully by the end of this year.  I have been making progress to that end and will continue to aim to do that.  My sort of children's book is finished and I have a copy in my hands, in print and binded.  I've ordered a couple more to be distributed to the selected few.  I might still look into another publishing option, but that is for next year, I believe, at this point.  I made my goal of getting the book published to send to the Hatzidakis Family for Christmas, so that is a job well done.

I wonder if I will be compelled to work on my other book projects now that the children's book is done, at least for the moment.  I would like to work more on getting the story out and organizing what I've already done into a more, well, organized format.  I've got a lot of blog entries, word documents, and some journal entries that can be reworked and compliled into a book of some sort.  Don't know if it will be of any interest to a publisher, but I can cross that bridge later.  In the meantime, I think it's a project that will garner a lot of my interest in the coming year.  Especially if I continue to do as well as I've been doing, healthwise.

There's also Thistle Penn.  He's out there, still sending me hints about who he is and how to bring him into this world.  I've got lots of scribble and mispelled typing about him throughout my writing experience.  A little organizing would do wonders for him and that whole project of a book of fiction.  So there is that to look forward to from me as well.

I am also looking to continue efforts to improve my health by eating better and finding a way to get some exercise in my life.  And I'll be looking to secure employment in the coming year.  A job of some sort to help with expenses of living.  We're finding a way to make it work. 

There is always more to read.  I've got gardening books and projects to work on.  I want to make more friends.  I would like to clean and organize the garage and office, and my clothing collection.  Organize my books.  Organize my photos.  So much to be organized.  Art to be done.

When I'm feeling well, there isn't such a worry about what to do.  I can find projects everywhere it seems.  It's good feeling healthy.  It makes the world more healthy.

Here's to good health.

Goals Work to Make Dreams Reality

I'm setting a goal to finish the Journal Jar prompts that I have by the end of this year.  Not gonna count how many are in there, just gonna go for it.  Wish me luck.

First towards this end:

What are your goals and dreams?

Well, didn't I just talk about that?  Eerie, no?

I have dreams of getting published as a writer, or being "discovered" for what I've already been doing and landing some sort of deal where I just keep doing what comes natural for me and I get taken care of...  Y'know, sometimes called "pipe dreams", evidently because you're sucking on some sort of pipe while you're thinking about them?  Something like that.  I dream of working with my community to find solutions to our common problems.  I see opportunities to make things happen, but I think about it too much instead of acting on it.  I want to perfect things before I act.  This is a problem for me.

But I find ways around it.  And I keep going.  Forward, onward, march.  Other months too. 

I dream a lot about "figuring it all out" and making sense of every little thing I can think of.  This is a fantastic feeling when I can do it, but I can never seem to transfer it to my waking mind and conscious life.  The beauty of course is that I do experience it, and that it exists, if only in my subconscious.  But it does happen, it does exist.  It is real and I feel it totally, and it is invigorating.  Inspiring.  Intoxicating.

I dream of solving the problems of the world somehow, by dreaming solutions and applying them.  I feel that I can fabricate thought patterns that will manipulate and shape the space-time continuum.  No, really.  My thoughts (and yours too, for that matter) are powerful forces of nature that go unmeasured most of the time.  But I'm giving birth to the universe with every thought I have.  Every thought is a Big Bang.  And I am so much more than just my thoughts.  This is really big stuff.

I just turned my hat around backwards so the "bill" is pointed out over my neck and back.  This could signify a change in direction or thought, but we'll just have to see about that.  Won't we.  I'm noticing that it has changed my vision-- more light is shining into my eyes now.  I don't have a protective shadow at my forehead any longer.  What else shall this bring?

I dream of peace.  I really think it's possible, in the moment.  We can do it.  We just have to want it above all else.  We must love our way.  I dream of love for all.  May you have love.  May you not go lonely.  I love you.  I will at least try.

Gotta go and call my mom now.  Peace and love be with you.