Epitaph First Draft

Will I be remembered fondly?

I erect a grand scheme of God-like perfection when I come to judge myself.  I want to cure ills, make friends of my enemies.  I want to heal the sick and feed the hungry.  I want to find a way so that even the devil and the Lord Almighty can reach across the chasm and shake hands.  Then wrap it up in a lovely box and put a shimmering bow on top.

I've got such expectations.  Are they hard-wired?  Or have they grown in me, over time, like my waistline?

I've always aimed high, or at least I was led to believe I was aiming high.  I placed high on my IQ test at an early age, and so it seemed that there were to be great things to come in my life.  I continued to excel academically through high school, and landed a favorable financial aid package to go to my first choice in colleges.

But I'd also kind of developed the idea that I'd "figured it out" by the time I was to leave high school.  Maybe I didn't have the love of my life that I wanted, but I thought I had already met her.  I had a close knit group of friends that had a blast spending time together the summer after we graduated high school.  I'd worked hard to reinvent myself and "make it" socially, after my friends had unceremoniously dumped me just before the start of my sophomore year.  I think I've written about this before, but I'm not remembering when or where.  Was it my pencil scribbled journal, complete with doodles and extremely hard to read when I would get excited about a particular subject?  Or is it here, in the bloggerverse?  Something I'll have to look into further, no doubt.

But for now, I need to summarize.  I thought, since I had succeeded so famously in high school, that my hardest challenges were behind me.  I had made it to adulthood without killing myself or anybody else.  I had it figured out.  I was enjoying myself, and that was what was important.  I had plenty time to grow old and die-- that would come much later.  Like when I was in my forties.

Well, welcome to your forties, buddy.  You've had your shit stirred with a splintering stick and it's gotten kinda messy, wouldn't you say?  Maybe you did have a few more things to learn...

Like how to set goals to exceed expectations, only by making a bunch of small attainable goals that add up to something special.  I tended to try and do just enough to get by.  And I didn't get by.  But that's my cross to bear.  I've had lots of chances, maybe more than most.  And I've made the best of them that I could.

Like being no credits short of a B.A. degree, and yet not having said B.A. degree.  Like needing a "C" and receiving a "D".  And yet, finding my way and building my resume without telling that story.  But each time I list my education on a job application, there I go again.  Most of my friends from college have a degree, perhaps even framed and hanging on the wall in the den of their home.  Me, I didn't even get to keep the empty folder with the note saying I hadn't satisfied all of my major requirements.

It's a hard pill to swallow, that kind of failure.  But I've made the best of it.  I'm finding my way, the path for my steps alone.  Sometimes it's a lonely road.

So what will the epitaph say?  "Didn't satisfy major requirements?"

Needs work.

Nothing To See Here

Nothing is sustainable.

Meaning, all things change, yes.  That is, all known things twist and turn, ebb and flow, live and die.  Except nothing.  Nothing sustains.  Infinitely.

In living this life, I try to sustain stability.  I try to maintain equilibrium and flow with my emotions and the forces I encounter.  Sometimes I walk, and other times I crawl.  Still other times I sit still and notice the void.  I breathe in. I breathe out.  My consciousness cycles like waves at the beach, synchronized with my breathing.  Water stretches out, then recedes.  As do we.

I see it again.  My own mortality.  I know it is coming, but when?  Do I have a say?  Is it predetermined, part of a grand plan? 

Can I imagine myself out of these thoughts I've been molded with?  Am I just consciousness, perceiving itself?  And what is consciousness, anyway?  Awareness?  What are these things?  What is the nature of existence?

Right now the dishwasher is cycling, and there is a rhythmic rattle or clang of a dish, and it sounds like a dog is barking, but away in the distance, and much too rhythmically to actually be a dog.  Such a thing hooks my wandering attention and distracts me, long after my attempts to relay the experience in writing have droned on, and the experience and sounds shifted.  While I tried to capture the sand in my hand, it seeps away and I'm left with something different. 

I struggle.  I struggle well.  Struggling is my super-power.  I'm Struggle Man.  More powerful than a stomach tied in knots.  Able to leap large gaps of logic in a single bound.

There's merit, so I'll share it.  I'm writing because I care.  Maybe someday you will, too.  Perhaps you already do.

There is a light.  And when that light goes out, it is very dark.  In fact, there's nothing darker.

Nothing is.

How Do You Honor Martin Luther King, Jr.?

There's no one way, right way to do it.  Did you do something?

One of my acquaintances from high school posted on Facebook that believe it or not, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a republican.  I had never heard that.  Still not sure I believe it.  But at the very least, if he was a republican, he certainly wasn't a typical one.  And a republican in the 1960's is a very different one from a republican in 2013.  Here's the article if you're inclined to read it.  Personally, I couldn't get through it on my first try.

I think the fact of the matter is that if asked, MLK wouldn't have identified himself with either of the two leading parties.  He existed outside of the political ideology.  He was more a pacifist, and an idealist, than a democrat or a republican.

That's kinda how I feel, too.  I think of myself as a liberal, a progressive, and most times a democrat.  But I'm not married to any one political party or stance.  I'm open minded and always gathering more information to find the truth that we all can share in.  I'm not looking to "win" or "beat" the opposing side.  The victory I seek is for all Americans, all citizens of the world. 

Here's some more info on MLK and a Houston group's assertion that MLK was a republican.  There are all sorts of characterizations being made based on his actions, but it seems obvious to me that he existed outside of the political realm.  The article even quotes an expert as noting that MLK made it a practice not to affiliate with any party.

Some things are bigger than politics.

I think a lot of things are bigger than politics.  And the way to finding real solutions to some of our biggest problems has to supersede party affiliation.  That is why MLK was such a radical revolutionary, and why he is remembered so glowingly.  He found the unbiased and unadulterated truth and championed that, for all to enjoy, for all to celebrate.  No political party has rights to claim such an ideal as their own. 

Looking back through some of the history listed in the articles I linked above, I wonder about their voracity, sure.  But I also am intrigued to note the differences over the years that the parties have championed.  It says to me not that one party is better than the other, or that one has shown greater courage or dignity over time, but that the process is working.  The process of debate and conversation between all voices is finding the truth for us all.  It isn't one side that has made us great and the other side that tears us down.  It is the coming together in cooperation that has brought our greatest triumphs.  Participating, actively, in the process of our government not only makes government work better, it makes our lives better.  And sometimes that means working for the establishment, and other times it means working against it.  Learning the dance is our legacy.

This Just In... Christmas Is Over

Wha?  What happened?

What was all that noise, just now?  The singing, clamoring, and the YELLING ABOUT SELLING STUFF!!!  "Jesus Christ!" I said.  And I was right, apparently. 

I think that there was a little more going on there than a holiday for the birth of Jesus.  Yeah, yeah, I know, there was New Year's too, and a host of others.  But there was a helluva lot more going on.

We had people mourning the loss of their child.  There was vilification and the ascension of heroes.  There was drama and then some.  Once again, there was tragedy, and once again, the media slurped it up and sprayed it back at us, with more, more, more.

When are we going to learn?  There is no way to place a safety force field over our kids.  Adding more guns to the situation just doesn't seem like a good idea to me.

We've gotta talk about what drives people crazy.  But that's what drives people crazy in the first place.

We need to get serious about our priorities.  Is it really so important that guns be so easily available?  And ammunition too?  Why is it so important that we have guns?

I don't own any.  I've fired a rifle before, and shot some pellet guns, but I imagine I rate as a gun novice.  Still, I feel that my safety is not increased by guns, or wouldn't be by me owning one.  I think guns threaten my safety more than enhance it.  But that's me.

I believe that people should have a right to own a gun and be a responsible steward of it.  Having a gun requires great responsibility.  As does driving a motor vehicle.  Or voting Republican, for that matter.

I just don't see the sense in amassing an arsenal, like so many do.  It only seems to build the paranoia and suspicion that is present at the beginning of the decision making.  Why do we need so many nuclear bombs, for example?  To "scare" our enemies, who have an equally large pile of similar bombs?  In order to deal with our problems, we need to approach them realistically, not by swinging a bigger stick.  Although such a tactic might work in the short term, in the long term the problems usually get exacerbated.

So go ahead.  Call me a liberal.  Bleeding heart.  All that shit.  Whatever.  You can even shoot me.  Kill me.  Rub me out.  Silence me with your assassin's bullet.  But there is a grand accounting to all of this, and that will bring the greater good.  So can your hysterical chanting about how the government's gonna take away our guns and we'll all be goose-stepping in no time.  Because it's hogwash.  Bullshit.  You're kidding yourself if you think owning a gun makes both you and me safer.  It still doesn't give you the right to kill, and all of your hypothetical scenarios where you get to play hero don't actually slay the dragon.  There's more to this story, poncho. 

Ready the Till

I don't know what I want to write about.  That's a beautiful thing.  An opportunity.  A commencement.  Pomp and circumstance.

It's a new year.  2013.  A new way of living.  A whole new world, out of the ashes.  This long strange trip continues, in spite of the grand proclamations of its demise.

As do I.

It's easy to take this time and look back on the year just past and project into the near future.  We always seem to do it.  What did you like and not like about last year?  What are you planning to do differently?

I have often begun the year with a flurry of written activity.  There was a time that I set goals of production for myself-- I seem to remember a goal of a hundred pages of writing and forty drawings.  Didn't happen, but it was ambitious and optimistic.  And I was producing a lot more art those days.

I had the idea that I need to relocate to an "artist's community" the other day.  Like in the last week.  I was thinking of some place that has a lot of talent in the community and nurtures its artists.  Perhaps that is just something that my community needs to do for me.  Maybe if I practice more, get more active, and start producing art, the community will respond.

I have a lot of raw material for art production.  Bits of collected metal, some gnarled, some rusted.  Lots of different grades of material, from chunks of steel to fine wire.  I also have a fair amount of scrap wood, and a floating assortment of screws and nails.  I tell ya, there's something brewing here.

I always have big plans this side of Christmas, in my head, for next year's decorations.  I want to try and win an award or get some press.  I'm an attention whore.  I want to work towards something beautiful that others can enjoy because I brought it to be.  That's the way of the artist.  Sort of.

So this morning I popped the top on my laptop and got moving on the writing.  And I feel like I got some of the plaque of the walls of my intestine and the soluble fiber is producing something.  It's time to get regular again, with this writing.  With this artistic stretching and groping for meaning and beauty.  There's ground to turn, worms to feed, seeds to sow.  I hope to be here even more than I was last year. 

And I want to have a more productive garden, too.

One More Thing Before the Year Ends

I've been away from my blogging regimen as of late.  I was busy making plans for the apocalypse.  But evidently, the world goes on, for the moment anyway.  So how about another blog post before we change the calendar?

Paradox exists, except when it doesn't.  There are no absolutes, except that there are no absolutes.

My feet are currently too cold for me to be able to write.  This is an ill-fated endeavor unless I can get some warmth going here.  So-- golly, you sure are nice.  I do love you so.

What are you living for?  And is it really okay to die?  Not that one should take one's life, or "give up"... but is it not okay to succumb to death?  Or to surrender to God, however you define him/her?

The rain continues to fall here, as we are getting duly soaked.  Our house is cool, the furnace not operating because of a venting problem that just means we should replace it entirely because it is so old and inefficient.  But that takes time and money and trust and contractors and a lot of things that need to be coordinated.  So far, it's just been easier to use more blankets and get through the day.

So I continue to write with cold toes.  Something pushes me to write these words.  It isn't out of a thirst for fame or fortune.  It's out of an impulse to communicate.  At my comfort level.  On my terms.

I'm an okay conversationalist, I think.  I can tell a story when I've got a good one to tell.  But in groups lately, specifically with my wife's family, I am a background figure.  I'm a listener and not much of a participator.  I'm not sure why this is.  I think it has to do with my medication, and my illness, and the strong personalities to deal with, and my tendency to stop dead in my tracks to search for the perfect word that I'm looking for.  Much easier to do when you're writing, but not so good when you're talking.  I can find a way to write around these pitfalls, but I haven't developed the skill so much in my speech.  Defer is the word I was looking for-- I defer to allow others to speak instead of assert my own speech, unless I'm going for a joke, because I'm much more confident with my sense of humor than with my knowledge of any given subject.

We had a lot of laughs over Christmas, especially at my parents house, when I played the digital rendition of an old cassette tape that my sister and I had made back in the late 1970's.  We listened to our juvenile voices as they improvised their way through a makeshift broadcast of a radio station.  I was about ten at the time, and my sister maybe seven or so, and we mimicked the jingles and production practices of our local KLOK AM radio station, fueled by our imagination.

I'm teaching myself how to use Audacity shareware to manipulate audio digitally, and the KLOK radio show that we did was one of the first things I wanted to try and work with, so that we could pass it on to our descendents.  I think it's a precious thing, this relic from our childhood, that brings back memories of a fun time and a kind and loving relationship between siblings.  And it is funny to follow the imaginative musings of these children, who are now so distant from us; to be remembered is an effort because we have ceased to be familiar with these infants.

Anyway, there were other discussions, too.  One of them explored different living arrangements for my brother-in-law's parents and his grandfather, who is now one-hundred years old, and although in pretty good health, needs a lot of assistance with everyday living.  This is where the questions about life and death came from.  I wonder, if I should somehow make it to my eighties, how much independence I will still have, and who will be around to assist me.  I hope to grow old with my wonderful Suzy.  But I don't have the reins of this life securely in my vibrant fist.  Sometimes I think I know what I'm doing, but most of the time I feel I'm in control only because I'm ignorant to the greater reality.

I don't know why I do this.  I don't know why I try to place little symbols next to each other in ways that express concepts and emotions and thoughts.  But it feels right.  And right sustains me, whatever that means.  So I keep trying.

What do you live for?  I live for lunch dates with my wife, and stupid knock-knock jokes with my nephews.  I live for bringing forth hearty produce and beautiful flowers, for planting seeds and helping them realize their potential, and then relishing in the bounty of their harvest.

The world ends and begins again everyday.  The sun rises; the sun sets.  A child is born and a grandfather is laid to rest.

What does it all mean?  Is there a reason?  Sure, I think so.  And somewhere within us, we know the answers to these questions.  Somehow, outside of words and thoughts, there is understanding.  The thing that keeps you breathing, and your heart beating.  The whatever it is that helps you think your way through a problem you don't know the answer to.  The carrot that leads you to your solution.  There are many labels and concepts for it, but none describe it completely.

It's kinda like this: it's the one thing that is everything and all things, while still only being the one thing.

http://youtu.be/XJyKTNdPL5s


Happy New Year!  See you next year.

Thinking For Yourself and Saving the World

You gotta think for yourself.

When you hear something that sounds crazy, unbelievable... why is that?  What are the questions that pop into your mind?  And do you seek answers for them? 

You go to work.  You start asking why.  Who?  What?  You believe or you don't.  But you question.  You go through the truth finding process.

So if it seems unbelievable, honor that.  Perhaps it is not to be believed until you can gather some more key information.

So much hinges on this very act.  The act of staying true to yourself, of staying true to truth itself.

Does truth exist monolithicly, static and unchangeable?  Or is it in constant motion?

It seems to me at this point in time that truth is a nebulous, but stationary quality that everything else cycles around.

A couple of things that came to light this week...  the first within the continuing presidential election campaign that voraciously ravages so much energy and so many of our resources.  And there are so many contradictions and so much confusion that cycles through this process that truth is often veiled and obstructed, tinkered with.  From one perspective, truth can be black or white, with no acceptance of gray in between.  From another, the colors just don't mix into a clear resounding picture.  But we try nonetheless to make sense of it all.

And we all do it in our own way, spending bits of time tuning in or ignoring, assessing truth when it feels right for us to do so.

If one makes up their mind too soon, it can cause stagnation and the greater truth that is presented over time, one that takes a longer time to be birthed into existence, is lost.  It is ignored, disbelieved, not truly observed or experienced.

There has been some volatile argument and discussion over the incident at the Libyan embassy that ended the lives of four Americans.  Some have been saying that there is a cover up of the truthful, actual events that took place that day in order that a more favorable political picture could be painted for the people in charge.  Some are saying that a general is being fired after being told to "stand down" on the day of the incident to cover up the culpability of the commander in chief.

I don't pretend to know what happened that day, but here's something else to consider.  I'm not in the military or the political popularity business.  But from the little research that I've done, it seems that this angle that is being trumpeted loudly by the "right" side of the political spectrum is founded on speculation that is specious at best.

But you've got to make up your own mind;  Don't take my word for it.  It's gotta make sense to you before you know how to respond.  So I won't recount the ins and outs of the supposed facts and details.  That part is for you to observe and procure at your leisure.  It's part of the fact checking process that has to happen.

My wife and I saw the movie "Argo" this past week.  I was alive when the events that the movie recounts occurred, but I was young and I didn't remember hearing about them.  So now, twenty years later, I discovered and experienced them for the first time.  And they were presented in a way such that the hindsight could now explain them more succinctly and thoroughly, and our extracted perspective could better judge the truth.  The movie recreated the events, but the truth still filtered through everything over time.  The truth is what stays the same, after all the falsifications and judgements and opinions are floated over and above and beyond.  The truth is what stays.  The truth is the granite exposed when the other transient muck of the mountain erodes away over time.

Even more than that is the way our perspective changes over time, if we are alive and changing like all living things.  Also this week, just yesterday in fact, I ran across the story of Vasili Alexandrovich Arkhipov and how he saved the world.  His story is something that is only now reaching it's way into my consciousness, and yet my consciousness is still in existence because he made the decisions that he did and allowed me and all of us to continue in our world.  If he hadn't been of such character and belief, there might not be a world today for humans to live and argue in.

Sometimes we don't hear it, but the truth is always there.  It gets to us eventually.  Finding the truth is the impetus for all of life.  Not because we need to find the ultimate truth in order to justify our very existence.  But because discovery feels good.  But it's a process, not a linear event with a beginning and an end that, once achieved, is static and unchanging.  The world keeps turning, just like it would have if nuclear war had destroyed us back in the sixties.  There would still be something, living, moving, and questing for the truth.

I leave you with Richard Feynman, because I care, and because I can.